Tuesday, October 12, 2010

broken hearted little girl

I don't know how else to say what's on my heart right now other than to simply say this: I have been so let down. 

Because of different circumstances and experiences in my life, it has been so very difficult for me not to be cynical of people. I have had my share of people I loved so very much, respected above anyone else, and looked up to in every aspect break my heart by decisions they made. After experiencing this a handful of times, I think my heart started to harden toward people and I began to develop a sense of cynicism. It would become so much easier for me to just look for the faults in people and from those just expect bad things to happen. To me, it was easier to just expect that... that way, if they didn't "screw up" I was just encouraged and proven wrong. But if they did, at least I wasn't expecting anything. 

I know that sounds awful, but after many trials I faced and many people who were supposed to be so strong in my life fell so short of what I needed them to be, this is how I became. 

Outside of my pastor, there really was not anyone I could truly say I looked up to... for years. Until my last year of college. Within that last year I developed a relationship with a teacher/leader figure in my life who was about 13 or so years older than me. She was so solid and passionate about God's word. She inspired me in ways that seriously NOBODY has inspired me for years. Through her teachings, challenges, conversations, I truly overcame some battles in my life that I had needed to face for a very long time. For the first time in years, I had found someone I could honestly say I looked up to. I talked about her to ALL of my friends (though none of them know her). I spoke about her at many different speaking times. I wrote papers about her. I journaled about her. In fact, I have honestly considered pursuing a path that she took in order to influence and inspire people the way she influenced and inspired me. Of course, I never put her above "her place." She wasn't a god to me. She wasn't what my hope was in... none of that. But she WAS a hero. A role model. The ONLY person I have ever truly said I want to be just like (besides Jesus, of course). 

Over the summer things got a little weird and she stopped responding to any messages and pretty much acted as if I was not present in her life. I had no idea what was up with that until yesterday... Wow. Yesterday I seriously felt like a little child as I found out that over the course of time that she was pouring into my life, teaching me, molding me, inspiring me... she was living a lie basically. In the course of about 30 minutes I found out time after time after time how she had lied, faked, misled. How she had neglected integrity, faithfulness, and honesty. And I'm going to be honest, I have been so broken over this. There are many details to this that would make a lot more sense and add a lot to understand why this hurts so bad. But just trust me when I say I have never... NEVER... NEVER... NEVER looked to someone the way I looked to this lady. NEVER. 

And right now I feel like I never will again. I have spent all day in mourning almost. I know that sounds so dramatic, but that is truly how much this has impacted me. I know that right now she is broken and in desperate need of grace, mercy, love and healing. I pray so hard that the Lord will restore that. I am trying so hard to believe that what I learned from her was not in vain. I know it wasn't. Because I know that ultimately it wasn't HER teaching me, but it was my Father teaching me. He was the one putting the inspiration in my heart. He was the one loving me. He was the one challenging me. He was the one convicting me. He was the one I trusted and really looked to. I have to remember that. She was just his choice of vessel. 

Why? I have no idea. Maybe to show me this valuable lesson... that ONLY He can be that role in our lives. ONLY He is enough. HE is my ultimate hero. HE is the ONLY ONE who stands forever. HE is the truth. HE is the source of inspiration. If it comes from ANYWHERE or ANYONE else, we WILL get let down. 

I know this. I know this truth. I am trying so hard to be uplifted and encouraged by it. But right now, I am seriously just in shock. Numb. Hurt. Right now I am really just having to seek him. With everything I have. I am trying to fight anger and bitterness. And I have learned and am learning MANY valuable things like these:

-People fail. Good people fail. Great people fail. Heroes fail. We can't expect anything different.
-Satan is working. We've GOT to open our spiritual eyes. 
-Putting on God's armor daily is A MUST if we EVER expect to survive.
-It is SO IMPORTANT for me to be living according to what I teach those who are following me.
-Real, faithful examples to follow in life are absolutely priceless. 
-We have to be so careful who we allow to lead us.
-Accountability is huge. I need it in EVERY aspect of my life because I am NOT immune to sin. And it can destroy me if I allow it.
-Our leaders, more than anyone, need our prayers. Every day. Satan is ALL OVER THEM.
- “People are like grass; their beauty is like a flower in the field. The grass withers and the flower fades. But the word of the Lord remains forever.”
-He is the only one who can meet my needs. He is the only one I can FULLY put my trust in. And He wants me to trust Him to that absolute highest degree.



Rebekah said...

I was JUST reading some scripture on this yesterday. Psalm 118:8-9.

I've said it before (not necessarily to you) but every human being has 'feet of clay'. We are all going to fail. And as much as we think we're not placing someone on a pedestal, we usually are. I've seen it WAY too many times to count. Then, when those people fail we're disappointed, disillusioned and we wonder where God was and He says I was right here waiting fir you to have no other gods before me. Even good things like our relationships with mentors can be turned inti gods. It doesn't take much. (I guess this is a huge thing for me because I'm right in the middle of a Bible study called 'No Other Gods'.) it's by Kelly Minter. You should def check it out!

Praying for your friend that she may receive nothing but grace in this hard time.

Rachel Cox said...

I'm sorry J... so heartbreaking. But your prayer for her is exactly what she needs.

You did such a wonderful job at reminding us that people fail us but we have a God who never will. What an awesome promise that we can rest in. Thanks for that sweet reminder friend!