Thursday, October 14, 2010

a post from the past

I love looking back over my life and seeing what God has done, what he's taught me, where I've been, where I was this time X many years ago, etc. I kept a blog in high school that I started in early 2004. This blog is VERY special to me because I was so honest and transparent in it, and it journals my journey through the time in my life when my world was turned upside down. It began when everything was still very wholesome, picture perfect and ideal in my life. Then it went through the time as I faced unexpected tragedy, loss, heartbreak, and all the fixins that come with those things. Then it tracked through the period of life just after, noting different things God taught me, ways he was healing me, people he brought along beside me to help me cope. I wrote about how I felt, what I experienced, who I met, what I feared, what I prayed. I was very open. Almost too open. The blog ended as high school ended but I still like to go back from time to time and read some of the stuff I wrote and just remember. I thought it would be cool to do that today so bear with me as this may be a bit lengthy:

This time 6 years ago (2004) I wrote this:

"she lies awake. her body is so weary and tired, but her mind won't let her rest. she opens her eyes and looks at the clock. 3:28. she tries to keep her eyes closed. she counts to 100. she fights her thoughts. her eyes open again. 3:29. she sits up, just enough to see over the mountain of blankets on her bed. her blinds are closed, but a single ray of light comes in from the closest street light, landing on the foot of her bed. she crawls to the end of her bed and peaks out the window. all the world is alseep. the wind has even found a way to rest itself, keeping the branches of the trees motionless. not a creature moving, not even the neighborhood cat. nothing. everything is so lifeless. she glares down the road for a minute, hoping to see a sign of life in a near-by house. nothing. not a flicker. not a whisper. she just wants to know she's not alone. just one sign of life. just to know one other life is awake with her. she turns her focus back to the clock. 3:33. she needs to get sleep. but tomorrow seems like it will never come. 

she makes her way to the kitchen to get a class of water. the light on the fridge turns on, just long enough for her to glance around at the still photographs. her family. her friends. everyone she loves, captured in a little box. still, lifeless. her mind searches frantically for something, anything else to be awake. everything is so dead. she takes a big, long gulp and sets the cup down to rest. she knows she can't go back to sleep. she doesn't even try. she steps outside. just to get a breath of fresh air. as she opens the door, something catches her eye. 

she looks up at the black, chalky sky. and there in the center of her focus was a single, shining star. she just stared. with every blink, the star seemed to take on a new form. as if... it had... life. her mind begins to race. she can't capture the thoughts, but they're there. she takes a deep, long, breath and in that moment a small breeze begins to pick up. it brushes through her dark, straight hair and hits the small leaves on the trees, just enough to make them shake. she just stands there. staring. breathing. she's found something. she just keeps staring though. 

tears begin to fall from the corners of her eyes. slowly, she can see the chalky blackness begin to move slowly. she doesn't blink. one by one, the clouds vanish into the darkness of the night. and one by one, the stars, dem, but bold, begin to appear. her eyes, still focused on that one, but perceiving the ten, twenty, even forty other ones slowly coming into view. what is causing this? who is doing this? what is this? where is this all coming from? her mind wanders. her head spins. but she just stares. 

she's been searching for so long. for some answer. for some hope. for some sign that she's not alone. could it be? she still gazes into the depth of that one star, only this time her focus goes beyond. she tries to look behind the black canapy. surely there's something more behind all that. suddenly, her tears are gone. her mind is calm. her heart is setteled. for a moment, she's not searching anymore. she's not wandering. she's.... not alone. she's found a comfort. but what is it? what was behind that? 

she turns to go back inside, comforted, but still a little perplexed. as the door closes behind her, a book comes into view. one she doesn't really recognize. she looks closer and noticed the words HOLY BIBLE written across the spine. her heart begins to beat faster and faster. has this book always been here? she wants to keep walking, but her feet won't move. her hands reach down to touch the dusty antique. she begins to break the seal that has seemed to have formed between the pages. her fingers are shaking- she begins to feel weak. 

she opens to a page, but doesn't know what to do. her eyes move sparatically across the the letters, not able to focus on one word. her legs are getting weaker. she falls down to her knees, holding the precious book in both hands, clinching it so tightly the pages are beginning to get damp from her sweaty palms. she just wants to focus. just on one word. just to see what it says, but her mind is moving so fast she can't. she finally manages to read a word. "Be.".... "Be Still..." her body calms. she stops shaking. but she must go on. still on her knees, she continues. as the twinkle from that one star shines through the dining room window, she strains her eyes for one last attempt. "Be still and know that I am God." be still and know that I am God? 

she looks up at the window and takes one more long stare at the single star. be still and know that I am God. could it be? still on her knees, she begins to sob. she tries to stand, but can't. she just kneels. right there in the hallway. be still and know that I am God. her heart is so overwhelmed... beating so hard she can feel it in the ground. she can't move. she can't speak. she just stays there, on her knees and puts her hands in the air. with tight fists shaking above her head, she lets out a single word. "Jesus." be still and know that I am God. it keeps going over and over in her mind. all she get out is "Jesus." for the first time in all her life, there is life in her night. she is not alone. she knows she has found something. she just stays there, on her knees, broken. "Jesus.... Jesus!" ...her heart can stop searching. she is found. she is whole. she is home."

I had totally forgotten about ever writing that. I'm not going to lie. When I read it again today, I was shocked. I do NOT remember being that deep or mindful when I was 16 years old. No way. But I am amazed at how God was already revealing himself to me at such a young age.

5 years ago today I wrote this:

"Today most of my teachers told me what my first nine weeks grade was in each class... and after school today it really hit me that I'm already 1/4 of the way done with my senior year. After this year, I have no idea where I'll be. I could go somewhere out of state or possibly somewhere pretty close, but no matter what, this is the last year of "this life." Wherever I go, things will be different. This life I've lived so comfortably in Conway, Arkansas will be different. I won't return to the same place next August just to see the same people and do the same things. I may not even return to Conway... maybe not even Arkansas. I've been telling myself, "Oh that's still so far away." But I mean I'm already a quarter of the way through and it feels like I've only been in school for 3 weeks. I just kept thinking about this as the bell rang to go home, and while I walked through the halls and saw all the faces I've seen for the last 13 years of my life I realized that these people had become a part of my life. Whether it was someone I could tell you almost everything about, or someone I could barely tell you the name of, they've still made a mark in my life somehow. Driving home, I drove down the familiar roads I've been driving/riding down my whole life. Not only the people at school, but the people of Antioch, Conway soccer and all the other things I've been around since I could walk... all these places and faces...they'll all still be here, but it'll be different. Some of the friends I'm so close to, I could lose contact with completely. Some people, I may only talk to every once and while. Some, I may stay suprising close to for the rest of my life. But no matter what happens, after May 19th, things are going to change.
And as I thought about that today... I just thought to myself, how are they going to remember me? When my classmates or friends or people from Conway look back and remember Jordan Morgan what are they going to remember? Most people here have known me since I was little bitty, so they know the real ME. When we all come home to the reunions, what will be the first thought that people think when they see me? Quite honestly, I know that for some people their thoughts of me won't be too pleasant... for others... they may not even remember me at all... and for some, I may have just been "another girl in Conway." And as I think about that... I don't want the first 18 years of my life to be pointless. I don't want it to be filled with just a static rememberance. I'm not here to just fit in. I'm here to share to others through my love and actions the amazing grace of Jesus Christ. I'm here to love those who don't have much love, to help those who don't get helped very often, to accept those who are always rejected, to forgive those who have forsaken friendships and morals. Mostly, I'm here so that when others look back and see me, they can see Christ. We all are... and I can be the first to say there are days when people can look at my attitudes and see everything but Christ. But I've still got a semester and half left. Others have got longer... but high school won't last forever. Conway probably won't last forever.
I've got to be who I want to be before it's too late."

This was not quite a year after tragedy struck my life. This entire year was spent in some BIG TIME self-evaluation and just really focusing on who I am in Christ and who I wanted to become. He had made himself SO known to me that year and I was seeking to be used by Him SO bad. 

Reading both of these posts were so encouraging. It was so neat to go back and remember and to see how God was preparing me SIX YEARS AGO for who I would be today. So many decisions I make today are a direct result of self-searching and praying I did back then. I love that. God is so GOOD. In ALL things, during ALL circumstances. If we really let Him have us, let go, lose control, and trust... He WILL provide. 

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart. Lean NOT on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge him and He WILL make your path straight!"
Prov. 3:5-6


1 comment:

bekahm said...

I love who you are. And I love going back and looking at your old blogs also. I know being close friends you may say it doesn't count... but I will always remember you as one of the most strongest people I have ever known, in Christ alone. Thats what I see and I'm CERTAIN others will remember from high school. I'm so proud of you...and can't believe I get to call you friend and to this day know that you love me unconditonally the way Christ loves me. Thank you...for posting this and for not only being a faithful friend...but more importantly faithful to our God. It speaks so much to me, it always has. I love you, I love you, I love you. I consider you a "Jonathan".