Wednesday, October 27, 2010

when i knew i was in love

Honestly, I never thought I'd write a post like this.

I remember for SO long being SO dumbfounded by the idea of knowing when you're in love and when you've found "the one" and all that. I had boyfriends and even had a pretty serious relationship and dated one guy for four years, but I never had that moment where I knew I was in love with him. I remember so many people always saying, "You just know." That drove me crazy! I wanted something more than that. I would always think, "But HOW do you know???" I mean is there a certain feeling? A certain thought you have? A certain moment? Do you know because you talk about it?

I really thought I'd never figure that one out. I thought love was just going to be a decision I made and I would just hope with all my heart I said yes to the right one and wouldn't regret it later. I never thought I'd have that "I know I'm in love" moment. Maybe not everyone does. I know that love IS so much a decision and a commitment and something SO much more than a feeling. It's something you have to DO and stick to. It's not NEAR the lightening bolt experience that so many movies make it out to be.

But, I will say this... there was a moment when I realized that I truly LOVE Martin Summers in a way I have NEVER loved anyone in my life. And that is a moment I will never ever ever forget.

It happened a year ago today.

A year ago today my twin cousins, Will and Ryley Mayden, were born. I remember my professor (Dr. Alston-Miller) letting us out of class (Advanced Public Speaking) like 45 minutes early, which is SO not common for her. I was so scared I was going to miss their birth because of this class, so for her to randomly let us out early that day was a huge blessing! Since the hospital is right across the street from UCA, I made it over there in no more than 10 minutes. As soon as I got there I joined the rest of my family in the waiting room and anticipated the big moment! It wasn't but a few minutes later that we got word the first one was delivered successfully and we were waiting on the next. Within minutes they were brought out to the little room where my uncle, Dan, got to show them off and we got to take pictures and admire them through the glass.

The whole evening was just so special. There's nothing like being there when a baby is born, much less two! They were both EXTREMELY healthy for twins and everyone was just so happy! I loved it.

After the initial excitement and celebration, I just sat back for a minute taking it all in, watching my family experience this great joy and just thanking God for the moment. That's when my mind started doing something it has never done. As I was sitting there just soaking it all in, I looked around at my family and realized that the next time we are all sitting around a hospital waiting for a baby to be born will most likely be for me. I remember thinking, "WHOA Nelly!! Back that train up. Calm down. What in the world!?" I didn't want to think like that. I mean, sure, I want to be a mom. I long for the day I hold a child and call it my own. But in that moment, I was NOT ready to start thinking about that being a reality. NO WAY.

But for some reason, my mind wouldn't let go of it. I just kept picturing what it would be like for that to be ME in that bed and MY child everyone is looking at. Joy filled my heart that is so unexplainable. I had this deep, pure longing to be a mommy. As I kept watching my aunt interact with her new babies and her six-year-old, I just kept picturing me. It was weird! It freaked me out!

But then something even freakier happened.

I saw this:

That is my uncle, Dan. You can see me in the background of this pic just watching and smiling. That's pretty much how I was for the next hour. Because the whole time I was watching him I was just so filled with joy and respect at how gentle he was as a daddy. At how sweet he was as a husband. He was just so great. He would so carefully carry the babies to different family members while making sure my aunt was feeling okay and at the same time making sure he gave equal attention to Lauren, the big sis, so she didn't feel left out. I got this overwhelming respect and admiration for him that day and just thought, "Now this is a picture of a faithful and loving husband and daddy." 

And that's when it happened. As I was watching my aunt and picturing myself.... I was watching my uncle.... and I pictured Marty. Just as I had that longing in my heart for that mommy to be ME one day, I had an even stronger longing in my heart for the man kissing my forehead and holding my hand and holding our child to be Marty. There, in that hospital room, I pictured us as a family. Loving each other. Loving our children. 

And that's when I knew.

I didn't know what to do with that. I thought things were happening WAY TOO FAST for my taste. I wanted more time to pray about it. To analyze it. To question it. To think about it. To question it some more. To pray about it more. To think about it more. You get the point. But by this point, it was undeniable. I had no question. I knew without a doubt. The next few days were TORTURE for me because I wanted to say something but I had no idea how. I didn't say a word to anyone because I thought people would think I was crazy. 

A few days later we were watching a movie in the middle of it he randomly said, "Hey..." and I said, "What?" and he said, "Uhhh... what are you doing??" I was actually kind of annoyed because, hello, what do you think I'm doing? I'm watching the movie! So I just kind of ignored him and kept watching it. But a few minutes later I got the same hesitant, "Hey..." Trying to be patient I said, "Yeah?" That's when he paused and his voice got a little nervous and he said, "Is it too soon to say I love you? Because I do."

I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS GOING TO BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST! I froze. Everything in my wanted to just blurt out the whole hospital experience and tell him how I was ready to marry him and have his babies. But I thought that would be a little too much. So I just kind of softly said, "No... I don't think it's too soon. Because I do too." 

I think we were both a little freaked out because we didn't talk about it anymore that night. But a few days later we had the "I only say I love you when I mean it" talk and the next day we went for a walk and I told him the whole hospital experience.

From that point on it was just a time of patience and prayer until we would get married and be on our way to starting this happy little family that I pictured so vividly in my head. 

Now I am here, a year later, married to the man I pictured that day. Hopefully we'll have a little while before we have the whole hospital/baby-bearing experience. I know when that day comes, I will be the happiest person in the entire world. But until then, I am just enjoying every minute of being with him and KNOWING I am in IN LOVE with this dude. From the minute I pictured beside my baby-bearing hospital bed, I just knew. 

I guess what they've said all along is true... you just know. 

Now I wonder... when did YOU know you were in love?? How did you know you were going to marry the one you did? If you have a story about that, leave a comment! I would love to hear it! 



Susan Trafford Martin said...

Oh Jordan! I LOVED this blog!!! It brought back so many memories of my first few dates with Buddy 30+ years ago! It didn't take me long to realize that God intended for us to be together for the rest of our lives. Buddy evidently got the message real quickly too, because after only a couple of months of dating, he said something that finished sweeping me off of my feet. We were watching Kristi playing in the sandbox and he said, "I want to be her dad". My heart melted . . . I really have no words to describe how I felt at that moment. That's when I really knew without a doubt, Buddy Martin was going to be my husband and Kristi's dad. I've taken him for granted way too much over the past three decades, but not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for sending Buddy my way on that June day in 1979. That's another story in itself - we literally bumped into one another at Kroger - and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rachel Cox said...

absolutely precious.

Rebekah said...

this is just too sweet! you crack me up, "tell him how I was ready to marry him and have his babies" REALLY made me laugh :)

and susan's story makes me smile too. "i want to be her dad?" heart. melted. all inside my chest.

i've never been in love but i wonder what it'll be like. who it will be. that weirds me out on one level, but it makes me really excited on another level. because i don't think it's someone i've met yet. and...i dunno, i'm weird. ha! :)

thanks for sharing this sweet story jordan.

Tonya Hammontree said...

Jordan, you brought tears to my eyes! What a sweet, sweet story. It was a few months after we started dating that I knew I was in love with Shawn. Though, I had a pretty good idea after just a few dates that he could very probably be the one I would marry. I remember one night we were sitting on the couch at his parents' house (I think we were watching a movie). He looked at me and said, "Hey, I have something to tell you." I said "What?" - as my heart fluttered inside because I just knew he was going to tell me he loved me. In only the way that Shawn Hammontree can, he looked deeply into my eyes, then very quietly began to sing,... "Trailor for sale or rent. Rooms to let, 50 cents. ..." Yep, comic relief even then! The "I love you" didn't come that night, but I knew that he was starting to feel that way. Even today, that's kind of a special song. We always share a smile any time we hear it. I am so thankful for the crazy man I'm married to. I can't imagine being loved any more than he loves me. After 18 years, it just get's better and better!
Love you, Jordan