Monday, December 13, 2010

i stink at receiving compliments.

I do. I stink. Bad.

Can you relate?

It's probably the worst with Marty. When other people compliment me, I feel extremely awkward and try to change the subject or give a sheepish "yeah right" smile and move on. But when Marty does, I usually just say, "Okay." or just give him a what-ever. sassy kind of look.

Sometimes he'll say, "You're hott." when I'm sitting around in pajama pants and my hair's all a mess. Those times, I want to be called anything BUT hott. I would much rather him say, "Dang girl, you're lookin trashy!" Mostly because that's the way I feel. But the truth is, he doesn't think that. At all. He genuinely thinks I look pretty (or hott... but that's such a sketchy word) when I'm sportin the greasy pony tail and no make-up. Other times he'll tell me something like, "That looks really good on you, I really like that" when I wear a certain shirt or something. In my mind I'm thinking, "Oh whatever. You're just trying to find a way to make me feel good. It's what you're supposed to do." And I'll just kind of roll my eyes and not even acknowledge the compliment. But again, the truth is, he's not just desperately looking for a way to make me "feel good." He straight up likes that shirt and likes the way I look in it and wants me to know that.

Sometimes he'll randomly tell me that he loves something about me and I'm a good wife or I'm going to be a good mom... those kinds of things. Those are the moments I want to scream the most. Everything in me is thinking, "YEAH. RIGHT." I'd rather him just be honest and say something along the lines of, "Jordan, you're really actually not that great of a wife. I know you're trying your hardest and I appreciate it, but truth is, you have a LONG way to go. You fall short in about 1,000 areas." Because that's what I think. But that's NOT what he thinks. He really, truly, straight up thinks I'm a good wife. He really does love me for the million little reasons he tells me, even if I don't know why. He really does feel the way he says and he just wants me to know that.

But what do I do? Almost EVERY time? I shrink from these things. I deny them. I roll my eyes from them. I give the "whatever" and threaten him with my eyes not to ever tell me that bull again.

Today, I complimented someone very dear to me and I meant it from the bottom of my heart. But the person responded to me VERY similarly to the way I respond to my husband. Whatever. Don't ever tell me that again. BULL-HONKEY.

And you know what? It kind of hurt. It really frustrated me.

Why in the world would they reject that compliment? I was very genuine in giving it and wanted to be able to encourage and bless them with my words. But they straight up stole that blessing by throwing it right back in my face and making me feel like an idiot for saying it. It hurt. It made me mad. I wanted to just grab them and shake them and say, "I MEAN IT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE! STOP THIS CRAP!!!"

Then it hit me... that's how I make my husband feel. Every time I reject his compliments or roll my eyes at them. I respect him just for the fact that he hasn't stopped complimenting me yet, even after ALL my times of rejection, denial, eyes rolling, whatevering. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for him and how stupid he probably feels at times. It was a sobering thought and I wanted to call him right then and thank him for every compliment I can remember him giving me.

But you know what hit me the most?

That's the way I respond to God. So very often.

I read a verse or someone reminds me of His truth or I just have that gentle whisper of His spirit that tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Or that I am God's masterpiece, created in His image. Or I am a true daughter of the KING. Or I have been CHOSEN by the creator of the universe. Or I am unconditionally and eternal LOVED. Or that the King is ENTHRALLED with my beauty!

I hear those things and I smile.

Because they're cute.

And they're warm and fuzzy.

And I should embrace them and be so thankful for that truth. But instead...

Instead, I give God the "whatever." Maybe not outwardly, but in my heart. Whatever... I'm NOT fearfully made. Look at me. I'm so messed up. I am NOT a masterpiece. I'm so broken and smeared. Enthralled with my beauty? Come on, God. You made girls MUCH prettier than me. I find it hard to believe you're enthralled by me.

I never liked hearing or teaching the self worth talks to girls because they always included these aspects of telling and believing God's compliments for you. I realize now the reason I avoid teaching this is because I STINK at receiving and believing them myself.

But the truth is, just as my husband is very genuine and real in his compliments to me, so much more is my Father. He means every single word. He loves blessing me and encouraging me. He desires for me to know what I really am in His eyes. He WANTS me to know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He is in crazy love with me and longs to tell me that! THAT blows me AWAY!

But how many times do I just roll my eyes at those things? I'm fearfully and wonderfully made? Okay, God... really? I mean, thanks, that sounds good, but I mean... really?" I gently roll my eyes. A little more politely than I would toward my husband. Maybe I just turn the page really quickly when that verse appears. I quickly smile and nod when someone reminds me of that and move on the the next "REAL" spiritual topic.

Can you relate??? At all?? I really hope I'm not alone in this.

I want to stop that, though. I have to stop that. The Lord NEVER speaks anything He does not mean 100%. His view of me is so pure and genuine. He really does love me like that! He really does think I am wonderful! I really am his prized daughter! He really IS crazy about me and really does want me to know that!

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for Him. When the CREATOR of the universe, sitting on His perfect THRONE, cares enough to take time to tell ME, just one of many creations, that He thinks I am WONDERFUL and that he LOVES me and that he is enthralled by MY beauty... and I sheepishly smile and move forward as if nothing was ever said, or even worse, as if something BAD was said... dang! That's a slap in my face. I can't believe I do that. I don't want to do that anymore.

I've got to stop responding like this. To my friends, to my husband, to my God. When people take time to compliment me, I need to respond with my God-given identity. I need to accept it. I need to hold my head high and simply say, "Thank you." I need to smile and let God use it to bless me. I need to believe it. And I need to turn around and be used to do the same in someone else's life. (And let me just take this opportunity to say that I do NOT believe that humility and insecurity are the same thing. Denying a compliment or putting yourself down is NOT humility. It's insecurity. And insecurity does NOT come from the Lord. As Christians, we should be SO secure in who we are! Not arrogant, but secure. Big difference. Important difference.)

When God reminds me of my value in his eyes, I need to respond with enormous amounts of gratitude. I need to humbly embrace it! I need to praise Him for who HE is. I need to live by the truth of who I am. I need to be used to remind others of the same valuable truth.

Today, I stink at receiving compliments. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to become a new compliment receiver.

Now, don't go judging me. If you see me being a bad compliment receiver, go easy on me. This is new! I'm trying! But, feel free to hold me accountable.

By the way, you're beautiful. :)



HaleeBurch said...

You are not alone, I am the same way!

Heather said...

Jordan- I had to come back and re-read this post again because I relate so much to it, it is almost painful, if that makes any sense. I am so much the same way...especially with my husband. I cannot take a compliment from him, ESPECIALLY about anything relating to physical appearance. I totally blow it off all the time. And we just recently had a big conversation about it and why I do that. I am working on it, too. I want to get better about this in all areas. Maybe we need to form a "support group!!" :)
BTW--and I am totally, totally serious--the first thing I thought when I saw you on Friday night was "She is SO pretty!" and when I thought about it later I thought about how it was such an inner AND outer beauty that is just completely a reflection of Jesus!!
(Now I know this is a compliment but please accept it because it is so true!!!!)
Oh- and sorry for this long, long comment!!! :)

Jordan Morgan Summers said...

I think a support group would be great!! And I'm just going to say thank you for your compliment. :)